I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
