lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
