The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
