I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
