i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
