I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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