Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
