The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
