You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
