Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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