I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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