i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
