so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
They should really pass out barf bags in church
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
