I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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