I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
