There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
