dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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