You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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