My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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