Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
