In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
