Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
