Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
