i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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