ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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