M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
did i walk over a car last night?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
