Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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