there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
