Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
