Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
