Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
