I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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