If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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