I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
