you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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