btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize