Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
