Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
