um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
