Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Randomize
