I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
