Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
