so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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