I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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