my vag is so smooth its legendary
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
