That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Drunk is not a location!
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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