I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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