quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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