what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
