I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
