I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
she looked like the before picture.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
