never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
