is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
