He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
please come you make the beer taste better
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
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