So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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