P.S. I can't hear my feet
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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