I smell stomach acid.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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