cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Ladies don't puke and tell
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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