I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
