My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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