I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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