I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
