bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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