Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
