She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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