I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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