end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
