Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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