look no pants
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
How external is "for external use only"?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
