Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize